Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
