The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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