my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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