you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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