I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
