Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
