Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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