I'm eating all of the evidence.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
