What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Found your dick twin last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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