yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have already put on my inside pants.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize