Me too!
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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