My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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