you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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