Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
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separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
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I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough