so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?