i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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