omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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