Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
