My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
