don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
