ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
