Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You've changed since you got that strap on
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
