I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
