I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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