I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
