Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
