You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
