We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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