At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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