I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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