i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
