yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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