please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
