did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
