I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it because I queefed?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
