Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
