sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
