so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
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And the cops told us we were all naked.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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