walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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