Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
