I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
