At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
