oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
