His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
