My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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