im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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