Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This house was built for laser tag.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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