Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
