so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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