I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
