Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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