My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
