booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
