i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
