Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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