You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
