A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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