i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
