there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
