At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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