She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
