im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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